Relax? I don’t know how. When I’m sitting on my sofa, which would definitely be in the running for a top prize in the “Most Comfortable Sofa in the World” if such a competition existed, even then I catch myself tensing. Every single muscle in my body is tensed all the time. I wake up with aching arms or cramp in my legs from sleeping bolt straight.
I don’t know how to relax. I don’t know how to relax my body or my mind. I’m constantly doing or thinking. If I’m not doing or thinking then I’m eating. I don’t have time to do everything I want or need to do so I definitely don’t have time to relax. At least that’s what I tell myself.
I thought quitting my job and getting rid of all the external stress from that and from my commute would be the answer and Christmas certainly hasn’t helped in the relaxation department but it’s wasn’t just work. It’s me. I don’t take care of myself. I don’t do self care.
The thought of going up to my bedroom and just laying down is a just not doable. Sitting on the sofa reading a book? Are you kidding? I have an 18 month old baby and CBeebies is on 24/7 (that’s how it feels anyway). Any time I want to take for myself I feel I have to earn or mitigate by doing extra at other times.
Feeling guilty about doing nothing has meant that I’m doing something all of the time. This means I’m switched on all the time. I’m hyper, either excited and buzzing to go or intensely emotional if I’m having an off day. I don’t do calm and gentle. I do everything 100 miles an hour, every hour of every day. It’s not just exhausting for me it’s exhausting for the people around me.
My goal for 2019 is not to do more. I’m not signing up for a dozen races, or taking on loads of training or a super intense exercise plan. I intend to do less. I’m going to slow right down. I’m going to free up more time for doing nothing and in going to teach myself the art of relaxation. I’m going to try a learn meditation. I want to learn how to quiet my mind and make space in my day, my mind and my life for just being, breathing and enjoying.
I’m going to test the less is more theory.