Anxiety is proper shit. Right now it’s a tight ball sitting in my stomach and a fast heart rate. Anything can trigger it, sometimes I don’t even know what the trigger is. Tiredness, not feeling well, an argument, worrying that someone is pissed off with me.
I’ve talked about anxiety before because if there’s one thing it does it makes you repetitive. You revisit the same worries time and time again. You go over old ground. Issues that have been discussed to death rear their ugly heads again.
You need reassurance like an addict needs a hit. You hate the hold it has over your emotions and your behaviour because anxiety doesn’t just affect you, it affects everyone around you too.
When I’m having a bout of anxiety I examine everything, all my relationships, all my friendships and start scrutinising them. I tell myself that people feel badly about me and I find the evidence to back up my theory which spirals my anxiety even further. I feel like a terrible person and a terrible friend and start worrying I’ll end up alone and with no-one because I’m an awful person who treats people badly and I don’t even realise.
I don’t know how or why they come on but I do know is that anxiety is like any other condition. I’m not always in control of it but I do need to find ways to manage it. This is one of the ways, getting it out of my head and into words. Going to bed early, reading novels and not eating shit also help.
For all my fellow anxiety sufferers, it doesn’t last forever. I go to bed knowing, hoping that I won’t feel like this when I get up tomorrow.
Most importantly though I try to remember that the view from the bottom isn’t the same as the view from the top.