After a spectacularly shite month or so things are looking up. I feel like I can breathe again. The clouds have lifted and I can see the good stuff again. Mental health is shit in that in September I felt totally worthless. I felt like a really crappy person and a rubbish mother, the worst thing was feeling like I had absolutely nothing to offer anyone. Now it’s October and I don’t feel like that anymore. If I had acted on those feelings life would have ended in September. Thank god it didn’t.
My daughter and I started reading Chicken Soup for the Soul last night and the story she chose to read first was about a young man who committed suicide and she asked me what the word meant. I explained what it meant and that suicide was a permanent solution to temporary problems. I know that I have spent a lot of time recently talking about suicide but I honestly don’t think we can talk about it enough. If I hadn’t let people know how I was feeling I wouldn’t have had all those hands reach down and pull me out of my pit. I didn’t get to October on my own I got here with the help of every single person who reached out to me when they read my words.
So I’m feeling better and I know that October will be better than September but what I also know is that if November takes a bad turn I have a way of dealing with it.
Having said all that, sometimes I don’t think I’m cut out for living above ground with other human beings. I keep seeing adverts for ways to earn £300-£400 a month from your own home and then it turns out to be some multi level selling scheme like Juice Plus or Herbalife and some other shit like that. I don’t want to talk to people. I don’t want to try and get them to buy stuff. I want to earn money in my own home, in my pyjamas and not have to talk to people thank you very much.