It is not the mountain we conquer…….

I declared to myself that this year would be my awesome forty year to mark my 40th birthday and that I would do all the things I previously thought I couldn’t do or was too afraid to do.

This includes Snowdon marathon. The first year I signed up to Snowdon I lost momentum after my spring marathon and didn’t train through the summer so dropped out as I wasn’t fit enough. The second year I entered I psyched myself out and it became this huge stress monster than was hanging over me, so I sold my place.

I had my C Section in July 2017 and I was determined that I was going to do all my scary races in my 40th year, 2018 and line up was this;

1. Brighton Marathon – to get marathon fit 9 months after having major surgery. To train for a marathon while nursing and looking after a baby. To see if I could.

2. Newport marathon – to finish two marathons in a fortnight. Again, just to see if I could.

3. Liswerry 8 – I’ve done this one before but chickened out when my head wasn’t in a good place because I convinced myself it was a fast club runner race and I’d stick out like a sore thumb. I don’t usually mind coming last but coming last by half an hour or more wrecks my head.

4. San Domenico 20 – a training run of 20 miles is fine in my head, you just bimble along and clock up the miles. A 20 mile race with a 4 hour cut off, was in the past, more pressure than I could cope with. Psyched myself out.

5. Man V Horse. This is another one I’ve done once before and then chickened out of the next time. I get really stressed in relay races that because I’m slow everyone will be waiting for me and really pissed off with me for holding them up. Instead of doing what I should just do which is just enjoy it because my running buddies are nothing but supportive.

6. Caerphilly 10K – never entered this one as everyone says it’s hilly and vile. I hate hills.

7. Brecon 10 – I turned up to the start line of this race and stood next to a pensioner. I thought we would be well matched speed wise. She was 40 years past her best and I was 40 pounds past mine. I asked her what time she thought she’d do it in and she said “when I did this 5 years ago when I was 70, I did it in 1:50” all the positivity in me ran down my leg. After the gun went off I ran the first lap around the track and then dropped out. Yep. Psyched out again.

8. Snowdon Marathon – “the hardest marathon in Europe” I WILL NOT CHICKEN OUT THIS TIME.

1. Brighton Marathon – Done

2. Newport Marathon – Done

3. Liswerry 8 – Done

4. San Domenico – cancelled due to snow (yesss)

5. Man V Horse – Done. Bloody hot and hard but did the last 4 miles with my husband which was amazing.

6. Caerphilly 10K – Done. My brother’s first race. Loved it.

7. Brecon 10 – DNS. I was mid bout of depression. I literally couldn’t get out of bed.

This is where I am now. After a few tough months, going back to work after maternity leave and some awful family stuff, I’ve been crippled by anxiety and paralysed by exhaustion. I’m not feeling very awesome at all. But I will not lose Snowdon. I will not give up on that. I still have time to turn it around. I don’t want to win it, I just want to have the balls to turn up and I want to finish it.

I will not panic about the fact that’s it’s ten weeks away. I will not try to make up for lost weeks. I will be realistic about what I can do and I will be at the bloody start line in October.

5 thoughts on “It is not the mountain we conquer…….

  1. I’ll wish I cd, I’ll admire you for being able, n I’ll b there with u in spirit. I know u can do it. Yr my inspiration. Xxx

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