Things could be worse

I asked my husband the other day if he felt like we just lurch from one crisis to another. The past three years have felt like a never ending catalogue of drama and it doesn’t look like it’s going to end anytime soon.

Last week I felt so anxious that, when I was driving to the local park with the dog, I contemplated keeping on driving and starting a new life. Just me and the dog. Some days I have been so overwhelmed that I felt like I couldn’t get out of bed and face the day, the kids, the drama or work. I’ve thought about re starting the counselling or even going to the GP and asking him to increase my antidepressants. I thought a lot. I’ve dwelled a lot. I’ve tried to cover my anxiety with food and wanted to buy 20 menthol at least every day for the last fortnight.

About ten days ago I thought I was at breaking point but here I am. Still going. Sitting at the hospital while my youngest fights off a chest infection. I’ve had plenty of time to think and I think I’ve had a Eureka moment. When you have contractions in labour the pain escalates and escalates but with every contraction just as you think you can’t take anymore the pain subsides and you get a break. I think recently that is what my life has been like. Just when I thought I couldnt take anymore I get a brief reprieve, a moment to catch my breath before I have to start again.

But all this has made me think about what my life will be like when I’m older. What if my kids move away or I end up living on my own. I’d be isolated and lonely. So while right now my life is stressful, it’s also full. Full of people and full of love. I’m going to be grateful for the fullness of my life because I know I’ll be gutted if one day it’s empty.

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