Plenty of WTF’s

I’m not ashamed to say I met my husband through internet dating. Some of my friends had met and married their spouses through dating websites so I thought I’d give it a go.

What an adventure that was. Grab a cuppa, sit back and let me tell you about the world of Plenty of Fish.

Plenty of Fish is free and so it draws people who are looking for a wide range of interactions. You’d think a site that you pay a subscription to like eHarmony would attract people who actually want a meaningful relationship. What I soon learned, as I used them both is that this is actually not the case. The same dregs of humanity are on all the dating websites free or fee paying. So I opted for the free one.

Online dating is a weird and wonderful world where you can go from “Hi, I’m Rob” to “here’s a picture of my genitals” in a mere three messages. You have to be battle ready and you have to be prepared to cut the wheat from the chaff. There’s a lot of chaff.

If a guy turns the conversation to sex before the first date you need to move on and unbelievably some guys still think that if they paid for dinner they’re owed something. I said some guys not all guys.

These are the guys I met.

Mr Fat Dick

I was messaging this particular fellow and we arranged to meet one Sunday evening after I’d run a half marathon. We had agreed to go for a meal. I nearly cancelled the date because I was totally wrecked after the half marathon but he offered to pick me up and I thought that was sweet. He pulled up in a lovely car, “oi oi” I thought to myself. This is a good start. We went to the restaurant and he was the perfect gentleman. We chatted, we laughed and he paid for our meal. On the drive home I thought, wow, this could actually go somewhere. Then he pulled over the car and asked if I wanted to see his “fat dick”. I didn’t.

Mr Eating Disorder

We met in Sainsbury’s cafe for a coffee during the day. I learned after Mr Fat Dick that coffee was quicker and less hassle than dinner and there was also less chance of being offered to look at someone’s private parts . I spotted him sitting at the back of the cafe and headed over to join him. As soon as I’d sat down he explained that the reason he’d decided to sit at the back was so that he could see me arrive and if he didn’t like the look of me he could slip out and go home. The fact that I wasn’t a “total elephant” as he put it had been a good start to our date as far as he was concerned.

I bought my own coffee as he already had a drink and hadnt offered. As the conversation progressed he’d told me about how he’d lost twenty stone and I’ll be honest I was impressed. Everyone has been on a journey and everyone has a story. However, after telling me his gastric band story he went on to tell me that he had managed to out eat his band and that in doing so he had created another stomach above the band and had to have life saving surgery to remove it and most of his intestines. He explained that now all food went straight though him and into a receptacle, which as it happened he had to go and empty and off to the loo he popped.

By this time I was totally engrossed and grossed out by the story and wanted to hear more. When he returned he continued telling me about his digestive disasters and that he could now eat anything he wanted without gaining weight. Explaining that he had to live on prescribed high energy drinks he couldn’t understand why although he was only two stone overweight his doctor was concerned that his body fat ratio was 40%. It was only as this point that I noticed that the whole time I had been there he had been hiding a plate of chips underneath a newspaper on the chair next to him. As he got more comfortable he began eating eating the chips more openly and I realised that this guy had some serious food issues.

It was time to leave when he asked me what I enjoyed doing. I replied that I was a keen runner and he replied “oh my god how boring” and guffawed, bit his fingernail off and spat it onto the floor. It was at that very moment I had an emergency telephone call from my son and had to leave.

The Crypt Keeper

I was chatting to this gentleman and he had no profile picture. I liked to think that I’m not a shallow person and as this guy was very witty and we had good banter going it didn’t bother me that I didn’t know what he looked like. This guy told me he was fifty. George Clooney was fifty and so was Brad Pitt. I decided it wasn’t a problem. We arranged to meet in a pub and I pulled out all the stops. Red dress, shiny straight black hair, red lipstick, highheels. When I got there he was not fifty. If anything he had been fifty twenty years previously.

I sat down and decided to have one drink just not to be rude. My date who was wearing chinos up to his armpits, a Rupert the Bear scarf and walked with a stick, explained that his wife had cheated on him and so he’d slept with her sister. That showed her he told me.

Again an emergency phone call from my son meant I had to leave.

In between these dates I received a message asking if I wanted a “booty massage”. I didn’t. A message from a guy saying he and his girlfriend thought I was fit and would I drive to Birmingham for a threesome. I asked for a photo of the girlfriend. I didn’t drive to Birmingham.

It was coming up to Christmas and I decided to come off Plenty of Fish before it completely destroyed my soul. I had a message off a guy called “meterman80” who at first impression seemed to be fairly normal but had a bit of a serial killer look in his eyes that intrigued me. I told him I was coming off POF before it ruined my life and that if he wanted to carry on chatting here was my telephone number. The funny thing is that when I met him for the first time he was also wearing a Rupert the bear scarf but it looked absolutely adorable. Three years later I am now Mrs Meterman80.

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