My relationship history is like the worlds worst CV. The journey towards my husband was like a 12 step recovery programme. It’s was hard, it was ugly and did I some things I’am ashamed of. I treated people badly and I was treated badly.
The thing about having sociopathic parents is that you grow up having zero self worth. “If my own parents can’t love me then no-one can” became my mantra for life. It was my motto. If I had a family crest that would be the wording in Latin. The picture would probably have been a can of Special Vat and an ashtray. No one protected me and no one made the right choices for me. I was not looked after properly. Right up until my late twenties I didn’t know how to make the right choices for myself and it wasn’t until my late thirties that I realised I was worthy of love and care.
I drowned my childhood sorrows in alcohol at university and tried to cover my trauma with vodka and fags.
I got to University engaged. I clung onto my fiance like a security blanket. Until I found my feet and then he was cast aside. I met my sons dad and he became my best friend. I was able to confide in him absolutely everything. I poured out all my childhood distress faster than bread sales at the first flake of snow. He listened, he sympathised, he was protective.
I was an awful girlfriend. I was a drunk. I was emotionally unstable. Like Britney Spears 2007 shaving her own head level unstable. We lived together for a year and then everything imploded. Even Mystic Meg could’ve predicted that it wasn’t going to work. We were both 21. I was an arse and he was a selfish stoner. We got pregnant and then I found out there was somebody else and I left.
That was it. Didn’t see him again for 3 years. We royally fucked each other over. For all of those 3 years I wanted to stab him in the eyes with a rusty fork for disappearing and not having anything to do with our son. I was angry with the rejection that our son didn’t deserve but I put my big girl pants on and when Thomas was three we got over ourselves and worked it out. One thing I will be eternally proud of though is our friendship now. He has been in Thomas’s life since he was 3 years old and he has been a patient, loving and dedicated father. He’s bailed me out of more financial scrapes than I care to list, he listened to all my romantic woes and been there for me when I’ve been at my lowest ebb. He’s lived through my subsequent relationships disintegrating and he has backed me up on every single thing with our son. He is to this day one of my closest and most valued friends.
Things between us are exactly the way they were always meant to be. If things had worked out with him I wouldn’t have my daughter and I wouldn’t have met the person who I realise I was meant to be with all along. My husband.